support, stigma, spirituality, and self-love: my abortion reflection
abortion stances vary amongst us. they are deeply personal to those both affected and unaffected. I recall hearing from men, women with kids, women with miracle babies, women who didn’t want to be pregnant but continued the pregnancy anyway, women who believe it their purpose to birth and/or raise children from infancy, women who have miscarried/had fetal loss, women that have never had an abortion, never been pregnant, or may never be.
my abortion occurred in January 2019. I am married to a cishet black man that I am loved and respected by. He is an active and attentive father to our son. We abstained from sex, mostly, before marriage. I grew up in Oakland, CA and have found it often impossible to settle safely in red states. We currently live in Saint Louis, Missouri with our one year old. I have been a stay at home mama since December of 2017. My spiritual practices most resemble those of Christianity. These details matter because we carry vile misinformation about who abortion is for, who gets to have one, if any, and be forgiven.
ON SUPPORT:
the second being to hear about my desire to abort was my husband. he could empathize with my disappointment and sadness, I, having just celebrated a year long breastfeeding journey and pending re-entry into the work force. as we came to agreement, he reminded me that my body was mine and only I knew how taxing carrying a baby could be. if I wanted to abort, i had his partnership. if I wanted to continue pregnancy, I also had his partnership. his humility enveloped me as I was reminded of my choice to consider myself.
our conversation reflected idealistic dialogue not yet customary. abortion is a subject that people filter through their own experiences and convictions. I learned this after identifying who could assist me and what I needed. Phrases like, “I’m here if you need me, even if I don’t agree” often left me unsure of what kind of support to ask for. Moreover, abortion doulas were not as easy to find or seek. ultimately, l was blessed to have friends genuinely celebrate my choice, pray for me, fly in to support me, and share their own abortion stories.
I perused the room of women who waited observing carefully their body language. Some were accompanied by one additional support person. Our presence irritated what I had been conditioned to believe about typical abortion candidates. They are low-income, unwed, unloved, and uneducated. Or possibly they are sad and torn on the decision. Her head is low. She is full of uncertainty while being counseled and persuaded to go through with a pregnancy that she does not want. Her guilt cripples her as she weeps while filling out new patient paperwork. But to my own bias, these women laughed, conversed, read books, or sat quietly. They were of various marital and socioeconomic status. We took up the space provided with our differing body types, ethnicities, and disposition all bound together by a common goal.
I was calm the day of my procedure, anxious. Every person on staff was approachable, knowledgeable answering all questions warmly. The process was efficient and quick. I met a social work student interested in becoming a doula which allowed me to share some wisdom. in my room, I prepared an altar to keep me relaxed while my cervix was opened and uterus emptied. From stirrups to getting up, it took 5 minutes. In recovery, I was loved with calls, texts, and video chats full of inquiry about what I needed or how I was doing. With my partner & my Jesus by my side, my abortion remains one of the most beautifully peaceful moments of my life. I was blessed to have safe access in Illinois bypassing, Missouri’s unnecessarily complex abortion protocol.
ON SPIRITUALITY:
The decision to not expand our family at the time was not reached without prayer, difficult dialogue, & education. I remember someone asking me, “did you pray about this?” when I revealed I was getting an abortion.
lehmeesaysum.
I don’t do much of anything without talking & listening to God.
God has provided the resources, mainly therapy, for me to be able to look at a situation and assess what I can handle. without shame. Even pregnancy.
God who deepened my understanding into the scriptures that people often use to shame women into feeling guilty for abortion.
God to walk with my husband and I through painful healing processes as we understand the trauma that has inspired such healing.
God who informs our parenting practice & philosophy. He has supplied rich resources and relationships to keep us fruitful.
God who has given my husband and I the ability to be honest with one another and share safely.
Honesty such as:
“I do not want to be pregnant right now.”
“My body, hormones, and mind need a break”
“I want to work and earn money for a while”
“I’m not comfortable introducing another small child with your work schedule and assuming responsibility for the majority of at-home work”
“I’d like to pay more debt down, before introducing additional bills”
God was with me when I had my procedure.
God provided the people, finances, food, and encouragement necessary to nurture me before and throughout the abortion.
God who has helped me to not place my value solely in child rearing or marriageability.
God opened my eyes to the immorality that is, lawmakers limiting safe access to abortion so much that women, in 2019, are STILL resorting to inserting toxic tinctures and homemade devices into their vaginas to end unwanted pregnancies.
God has given me empathy for women who have harmed, killed, or still have trouble connecting to children they didn’t want to have. Grace for those who join in debates about abortion with skewed perspective or willingness to understand the complexity of the issue without reverting to moral bludgeoning.
ON STIGMA:
the united states is not family friendly. Ok?
We debate pro-choice & pro-life but actually, we are a pro-birth nation. Our infatuation with maternity shoots, baby showers, & pregnancy announcements reek of capitalistic exploitation. women are expected to participate in child rearing, with sole joy, often distracted by the infinitely altering adjustment that exists throughout pregnancy and after. ambivalent/negative feelings about pregnancy are unwelcome in society as women are told that “you’ll feel different when baby gets here”, though that is not always the case-often turning into resentment, withdrawal, and/or violence if baby is born.
in 2019, Midwifery is marketed as an elitist privilege failing to uplift thousands of birth workers of color that have forged and sustain the practice.
pro-life supporters do not primitively care about what happens to women or children after they give birth or during. they do not devote their time or finances to eradicating postpartum challenges. poverty. The youthfostercarecriminaljusticecollaborativepipeline. the number of children waiting to be adopted older than 3 months old. the disregard for life is evident in inhumane U.S. FMLA laws that fall apart juxtaposed with other countries. We defend restrictive abortion policies, racially discriminatory medical practices, post-partum depression data. It is seen in how black women are disrespected and die after not being heard or supported in hospitals. Doulas are not covered by insurance. The US cesarean rate. The displacement of partners in the birth process. child support. The lack of breastfeeding friendly spaces and its undermining in professional spaces. The cost of formula and diapers though they are important items to baby care and survival.
the.cost.of.having.a.baby.
ON SELF LOVE :
With the aforementioned true, there are still people that will try to convince you to have a baby they won’t raise, and tell you “it’ll work out” or “you’re never ready” as if the choice to raise a child, combined with the plague of other issues facing millenials are not enough reason to wait or not have kids at all. The super selfless do-anything-for-her-children-no matter-what-her-needs-are-hero-archetype-in-society figure is killing women. I am uninterested in occupying that role.
With all its demands and my desire to be fiercely intentional, I deserve to enter into motherhood willingly. I am indebted to those that fight tirelessly to make abortion accessible and normalized. I am devoted to using my voice to hold space for those who need such support. The overall outpouring of love has mirrored that, which I received when carrying our first child. The gratitude I have is indescribable. The relief I carry has been a balm to the few times I have questioned my decision.
After women have abortions churches spend money, energy, and time reminding women that God loves them, He accepts them, and that they shouldn’t feel guilt or shame about their choice. I wonder:
How different would society be if we said these before?
